ShlinkedIn Digest #102
95% of "World-Changing Startups" Found to Be Pyramid Schemes or Stupid Apps
Happy Monday! This monday is special for two primary reasons: first, it is the first Monday of the new year. happy new year! Second, it is the first monday that is also a tuesday it’s never happened before. hope everyone has had a lovely holiday season or has had a lovely time doing whatever it is you’re doing okay let’s get into this year’s first champions of business.
TROPHIES!!!!!!!!! You did it!
our social climber… SERGEANT L. FEBREZIUS! Sarge over here is a true business hero. He bravely defends our freedom to post inspiring thought leadership, and is actually in Tunisia right now fighting against a tide of subpar middle managers. May he return home safely and with some newly learned life hacks for improving productivity—like standing desks, or taking a walk sometimes. genius stuff.
In 2nd place, Baimler Denz, Nuuk (the greatest playwright of our generation, a veritable shakespeare of saas). In 3rd, Bain W. Kuang.
Other champagne corks launched into the celebratory skies of business: rrraksamam has crawled out of his cave to let us know 2022 sucked. Tycoon holds the title of ‘the final account created in 2022.’ congrats! Serial Corporate Chiller doesn’t just chill—he chills serially and in a corporate fashion.
Hardest Worker: Baimler Denz, Nuuk is just managing to edge out Bain W. Kuang as hardest worker. But it’s a close race, and baimler will have to work twice as hard to maintain their success. This famous Elon Musk quote comes to mind: “Sometimes, when you’re the hardest worker, you have a target on your back. Even though you are really smart, handsome, and successful, people will come at you with all sorts of critiques like ‘you are erratic and justify some of these actions with previous success, much of which isn’t necessarily relevant to your new endeavor’ or ‘you seem to have lost touch with what it means to be a person’ or ‘why did you name ur kid something so weird? did just have a kid cuz u were bored? at least they’ll be super rich. also wat did u do to grimes’”
MARKETING!
Networking Goblin: Someone under the table is licking ur ankles. Who? It’s this week’s Networking Goblin, Office Dog! His furocious attitude towards poor management practices combine with his keen ability to sniff out a sales opportunity have made him a must-meet in the modern business world.
Hottest Profile: it’s… it’s a TIE?!?!?! A classic matchup of two titans. One, a hustler with the heart of a poet, a scribe with an uncanny knack for email penmanship. The other, a disruptor born with a silver keyboard in their mouth, inheriting a vast kingom. Fukthat Email and Lord Disruptio of Silliconia are BOTH hot. But only one can remain the hottest. Please weigh in on the debate in their respective profile feedback sections. Are you #TeamFukthat or #TeamDisruptio???
The ShlinkedIn Tribune:
Late to work again? The usual excuses just won’t cut it anymore—but recent research has offered some relevant wisdom. Sergeant L. Febrezeius sheds some light in this week’s featured piece. Read it here, and submit ur own ideas to sam@shlinkedin.com for a chance at fame and glory and shlinkpoints.
ShlinkNews: More Than Just A Shell Corporation Stashing Money for Certain Crypto Organizations™
Global Twitter Outage; Let That Sink In
'Quiet relaxing' is a major workplace problem over the holidays, experts say
95% of "world-changing startups" found to actually be pyramid schemes or stupid apps
Intern-Stealing Middle Managers Threaten Office, CEO Fights Back
Television Industry in Crisis as Americans Realize They Can Just Stare at Walls for Free
Scientists Create Robot Dog That Actually Poops - But It's Not So Smart About Cleaning it Up!
Okay all you dumb interns go do a spreadsheet!!! Happy New Year! Don’t drink ANY water today that way you’ll set the bar super low for hydration and it’ll be nice to accomplish something tomorrow just by drinking water. easy win.
Best,
ShlinkedIn