Happy MONDAY!!! Thought I’d throw you a curveball this week jk I been busy. But fret not—you will get your awards. As sure as the sun will rise, and as sure as we will continue optimize our species for productivity, you will get your precious awards. But first, a word:
Believe. That is the word.
What does it mean to believe?
When the pandemic hit, I didn’t believe. I struggled every day. I networked. I sent emails. I cold called. I hot called. I even lukewarm called. That’s when I realized: Data is belief.
So I started believing in data. Now, I’ve crossed $4M ARR and I finally have the respect of my peers. They don’t reach out directly or anything, but I know in my heart each and everyone person in my network is thinking “Wow, he really did it. He’s a champion of the people, a savvy businessman, a passionate lover, and my personal hero.”
All because I set up a data harvesting business that sells your phone numbers to bot farms that want to steal your ebay password so they can buy computer parts.
and you can too! If you’d like to learn how, please purchase my latest PDF, titled “300 words of vague advice spread across 14 pages largely filled by stock photography and advice that sounds substantive, but isn’t!”
TROPHIES
Our social climber… THAT Secretary 💋. Known for her steadfast dedication to keeping her coworkers happy, THAT Secretary is always willing to get into the nitty gritty of her job.
In 2nd place, Baimler Denz, Nuuk. In 3rd, rrraksamam. Particularly enjoying rrraksamam’s train-of-thought/this-iteration-of-capitalism-mostly-seems-to-suck style lately. Ur good too though baimler.
Other slugs just sliming around the garden of industry: Chat Goat-PT won big at the official unlicensed ShlinkedIn Gala that didn’t happen! Curt Corginia whines a bunch so im giving him this to hush him up ;) Chief Jerff Horseman is part horse, part business horse. Reputable Headhunter Perseus is out here absolutely slaying.
HARDEST WORKER: you asked. As of today, MONDAY, Bain W. Kuang has logged a full 365 work streak. That’s 365 works. That’s unprecedented except for a few times. Legend. Go leave them a mean review to keep ‘em grounded.
ADS:
consumer: teehee i’m insecure
skincare brand: OMG but dont be! you are so beautiful! Everyone is beautiful! Also though you would be more beautiful if u use our soap. You are ugly. Buy our soap you ugly idiot. #inclusivity
axe body spray: bro you’ll absolutely CRUSH with our new scent, “volcano tiger lavender punch”
fast food brand on twitter: hahah bestie! burgers are lit! buy ours LOL chicken sandwich #TFW I am wendys hahah lol
Networking Goblin: Andrew Lavaderos. You may know him as Drew Lava, AKA the man who drew lava from his internal volcano of business, and used it fuel a tech empire. idk. he do be networkin tho
Hottest Profile: Imagine writing Meditationes de Prima Philosophia while still having time to keep yourself SUPER hot. To imagine that, is to imagine being Rene “Hustler” Descartes who just continues to be super super hot and sexy. I mean… SWOON 🤤💦:
ShlinkedIn Tribune:
Hey, god here—still catching up on my personal backlog; just getting through prayers from the 1300s now. y’all did some pretty terrible stuff it sounds like so I’m punishing you with no tribune. Hopefully y’all get your act together by the 1400s yeesh.
ShlinkNews: Top 10 Listicles Near You Pls Click We Need Clicks So Bad We’ll Do Anything™
New Crown Award Created for THAT Secretary💋 in Honor of All Her Crowning Achievements
NO
How smart urinals are making AI more submissive
With banks failing, Bitcoin is back as flavour of the season
Twitter is down. Never mind, I just lost wifi for a second there.
Open Ai claims GPT5 will identify mental health issues by the color of your pee
What advancements in chatGPT mean for WORK-A-TRON-5000’s return
Trump Indicted for something
Protip: Keep all your money under your mattress. it's safer there for the time being
Okay everyone. Sorry bout the delay (hahah psyche not that sorry sue me!!!!!). Stay blessed. Go eat some water. Drink a pretzel. Lie on the ground for a bit.
Best,
ShlinkedIn