Hello and happy monday! every day is monday when u have a good attitude. Anyways. Hope all is well. Here’s a fun productivity checklist for you to refer to if you’d like to have a more productive week:
Did you eat any eggs today?
How many eggs?
How did you cook the eggs?
If you ate them raw, what time of day did you eat them?
Did anyone see you eat the eggs?
Were they chicken eggs? If not please elaborate:
What is your social security number
OKAYYYYY TROPHY TIME SUCKAAAAS:
Our social climber is rrraksamam! he’s had quite a few of these lately. nice work! sometimes, it is hard to tell if he is joking! hahahah! ru okay? hahahaha!!!
in 2nd place, Baimler Denz, Nuuk. a long time champion of the people. In 3rd, THAT Secretary.
other barnacles clinging to the cliff face of industry: Duchess Chet The Endless is an artist when it comes sales. Gundel Ekeldoort looks kinda spooky. HughGPT has gone rogue.
HARDEST WORKER: bain has worked so hard that they may have actually broken our work leaderboard! it is tracking funnily! but, as a company, we don’t officially acknowledge that and are doubling down on bain’s merit. good job bain! work is a meritocracy and you deserve 1st place!
ADS YEAH WOO
Networking Goblin: Next time you’re discussing the finer merits of contemporary art, and some smart aleck says “idk if u can count that as art” simply remind them that sales is in fact an art because u say so. Sure, they may counter with “I think art is dead now.” That doesn’t matter. Art can be dead… BECAUSE DUCHESS CHET THE ENDLESS’ ROLODEX IS ALIVE AND WELL! A master of sales knows they must also be a master of connecting with people by hitting a button online. Duchess reigns supreme in this regard.
HOTTEST PROFILE: woah… Duke Slime Esquire. looks like the hottest thing in the world of royalty isn’t some old person wearing a crown—it’s a duke and a duchess simply tearing up the metrics on shlinkedin this week. Duke Slime Esquire is poised, graceful, and slimy—the 3 core principles of hotness.
ShlinkedIn Tribune:
mmmm clams. send submissions to sam@shlinkedin.com. read about clams here.
ShlinkNews: Tucker if you want a job we could use the press™
Congress passes bipartisan bill to ban grammarly ads
Crowd at Charles' Coronation Slightly Smaller than at Trump's Inauguration.
ShlinkedIn headline writers go on strike
ShlinkedIn CEO still hungover from the wedding last weekend
Google promised to delete sensitive data. It logged my KFC drive thru visits instead.
okay all you tiny little babies. go eat some chowder. it has a lot of water in it so effectively u are also hydrating and thus have created an efficient nutrient/hydration pipeline that should allow you even more time to optimize other things in ur life. Some ideas:
Have plants in your home? Kill them! Then you won’t need to waste time tending to something that doesn’t actually give you any profit.
Have a hobby like, say, woodworking? Not anymore you don’t!
Don’t talk to your friends or family; they are only holding you back.
Have a pet? Kill it! Then you won’t need to waste time tending to something that doesn’t actually give you any profit.
Steal things! It costs less than buying things, and will allow you to save up more money to buy things.
Make a spreadsheet
okay everyone. stay hydrated and tend to ya business.
Best,
ShlinkedIn
I'm good. I'll see you on Monday, Charlie