Happy Monday! Happy New Year! After a lil vacation and a nasty flu thing, the newsletter is back. And, in perfect fashion, this newsletter is arriving exactly on a Monday and not a second later. I didn’t miss Monday b/c it was holiday or I was lazy or anything like that. It is Monday. You must be so thrilled. How empty it must be to live without the ShlinkedIn Digest. Truly a vacant existence. But fear not. We are here and we love you. We are a family. You are fired. Security will be over to escort you out shortly.
TROPHIES!!!!!
Remember these??? Bet you do! This is what you crave!!!! Yeaaaaaaaaa!
Okay our Social Climber is Donkey Dad Febrezeius, who has maximized output and secured the most reactions by employing the powerful creativity of AI! it heralds a golden age for our species. very excited to let that do the heavy lifting and maybe just watch some reality tv or something.
In 2nd place, Master Ben. He is karate chopping children until they are good at SQL. It is working. They are Karate SQL Masters. He is helping FULL JOIN students ON belt=black or whatever. In 3rd place, Mårten Rickardsson. In sort of a reverse karate situation, he will let you beat him up in exchange for a job.
Other years falling by the wayside as a new one dawns: Nate “Big Toes” de Ath has the biggest toes in the game. Mensch’s post hurt my brain! JJ Halloran is average! Quilt Bandersnatch shares inspiring words for any entrepreneur. Ugh hbnmmmmmm is mmmmmnnnnbahhh hi.
Hardest Worker: As sure as the sun will set. As sure as the wind will blow. As sure as I will have a little snack later. As sure as Elon Musk will lead our species to greatness. Bain will work hardest. We cannot escape the truth. Bain is the truth.
ADVERTS! GET YER ADVERTS HERE!
NETWORKING LIKE A GOBLIN (FEROCIOUSLY).
Nate “Big Toes” de Ath doesn’t just have big toes—he has big success networking. His advice to novice networkers?
“Have a signature move you use to network. Something distinct. For example, I take off my right shoe and throw it as high as I can. In the time it takes for the shoe to drop back and hit me on the head, I’ve already wedged a business card in between each of my big, beautiful toes and used that foot to kick my networking target in the face. The business cards fly out in a beautiful flurry of paper and business acumen. Works every time. I don’t wear socks.”
This Profile is almost TOO hot!!!
We’ve found the best evidence for the popular claim that hard work is sexier than anything else. The evidence is Bain. Bain works hard, and is just raking in the profile views as a super hot hottie. Wild.
ShlinkedIn Tribune:
Soaring profits are great, but come with expenditure challenges. How best to optimize? Look to Panther Martonk for guidance, and read the full piece here.
ShlinkNews: Proudly Pivoting to Timeshare Sales™
If the Russians detonate a nuclear bomb above my home town, will it damage my VHS video tapes?
New year, new layoffs. Now better with AI
STD diagnoses: Now on the public blockchain!
Company can't layoff anyone else because it laid off HR in last round
AI kindergartens are coming, check if your child is compatible!
Elon Musk sues King Frederick X for Naming Rights Violation
2024! Now with one extra day!
Professional Cat Lands Dream Job as Chief Nap Strategist, Promises to Boost Workplace Productivity by 9 Lives! 😺💤 #PurrfessionalDevelopment
Help! I just deleted my NFT
NADA declares Twitter purchase illegal - Musk was on drugs during acquisition phase
Okay everyone. Glad to be back. Hope your New Year is kicking off well. I’m sure it’s mostly just kind of the same but colder (unless you live in one of those places where temperature is all tipsy topsy like Australia!!!!). Whatever. Hugs n kisses.
Best,
ShlinkedIn