Happy Monday! Sorry for the delay, I’ve been quite busy doing some nifty stuff over yonder in personal life way. But here I am! Some random headlines I’ve skimmed and thought about:
McDonald’s is focusing on affordability after some scandal around menu prices ($18 big mac combo). That’s pretty funny b/c affordability was theoretically like, half of why we like McDonald’s. The other half being convenience. Not saying it isn’t delicious—I will take 40 mcnuggies to the face at the drop of a hat. But y’know let’s not pretend it’s anything beyond some scant lil meat from a cow that died during the bush administration and a bunch of salt. if anyone wants a good cheap recipe for quick dinner just email me i will respond. it will cost less than an $18 big mac meal. if you give me three words to describe your palate i will tailor it further. do it. or don’t idc.
people keep talking about AI idk seems like it’ll stick around for awhile. I’m going to continue not caring that much and will let you know how that goes.
[insert elon musk neuralink chip joke]
at this point in time, i think even the jokes are getting tired… ykno? maybe we should all just agree to pretend elon musk isn’t there? that might shut him up. idk. he’s a strange dude. still waiting for him and zuck to fight.
this one aged well:
okay. TROPHIES
SOCIAL CLIMBER YEAAAAA: Baimler. Denz. Nuuk. They’ve always been the people’s champion. Some old heads will recall the days when Baimler was the hardest worker (the pre-bain era). That was great, but Baimler decided to work smarter, not harder. In most cases this is a mistake and people should work both smarter AND harder. That’s why Baimler then decided to also work harder and the results speak for themselves… more on this later.
In 2nd place, Donkey Dad Febrezeius. His output his simply unmatched; it’ll be hard to knock him out of the top 3. In 3rd, Panther Martonk. Panther and Donkey came on the scene around the same time, and have sustained a torrid pace of posting. It’s impressive. Weep at their glory.
Other lil packets of ketchup idling in the paper bag of business: Ghost of Michael Jackson’s Danglebaby is haunting shlinkedin!!! Marten Rickardsson is ripe for the beating. Just ask him. M. Friedman loves free market capitalism.
HARDEST WORKER: HEAR YE HEAR YE! THE GREAT DRAGON BAIN HATH BEEN SLAIN. PRAISE BE TO THE BRAVE KNIGHT BAIMLER DENZ NUUK! THREE CHEERS FOR OUR SAVIOR! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY! HIP HIP HOORAY!!!!!!!!
alright let’s enjoy baimler’s ascension for a few weeks then start demonizing them. everyone go cyber bully bain in the meantime.
AD VERT ISE MENTS
Networking Goblin: Lord Thomas Schmichael Consterdine Wiggans The Third understands one key principle of networking: the more time a new contact has to spend saying your name, the less time they will spend saying other people’s names. This is how you get ahead.
In 2021 Gartner actually commissioned a global study (global meaning US/APAC obviously) understanding how name length translates to retention in the minds of business prospects. Gartner found that for each additional phoneme in a name, networking targets were 7% more likely to want to share a quick kiss on the cheek and then get all shy and run away before texting back in a couple days.
Hottest Profile:
Psh. This one is out of pity. Bain is the ‘hottest’ this week. But that’s largely b/c it is all they have left. No longer are they the hardest worker. That is truly the only thing that matters. What good is personality, wealth, rolodex size, shoe size, rolex size, or shoe size again if you aren’t grinding away 19 hours a day. At minimum. so, enjoy it bain. I guess. psh.
The ShlinkedIn Tribune:
Panther wrotes us a nice piece the other week. Check it out here.
ShlinkNews: If You Come To The Office After 7PM We’ll Sell You Printer Cartridges Cheap™
“When I layoff employees, stock goes up, when I go on a hiring spree, stock goes up” — Genius founder and CEO shares his insights
Silence! Don't clap!
I said don't, dammit
How Getting a Car Loan Saved My Life
Unhappy with not being layed off, employee starts working
Watch: Hungry CEO Mukbangs Lunches Stolen From Break Room Fridge
okay all you salty salamis. Go out there and hustle. grind. dance. live. laugh. love. file. spreadsheet. snack break. back to work. more hustle. more grind. slightly less grind to make room for more hustle. now up that grind again. great. okay. bye bye now.
Best,
ShlinkedIn