happy monday.
Fun facts about monday:
help
need a nap
anyways quick nuggets:
user Howard Deez Nuts built an incredible bot for use in our discord that can display profile summaries, leaderboards, and more. It’s really, really amazing–thank you Howard! <3
the feature requests discord channel is poppin–take a look. engineering squad is hard at work squashing features and building bugs, join the fray!
buy a sticker (or other merch)! goes towards our server costs <3
a tender word from our sponsor:
“daffodil.” that is the tender word.
but, also, Pickle Hot Sauce is a company that makes industrial-grade deep sea drilling equipment for government contractors, and can withstand pressures up to 10,000 psi. jokes! Pickle Hot Sauce makes a wonderful hot sauce, and is a small business owned by one of shlinkedin’s earliest users. this weekend one founder used it as part of a flank steak marinade, and then made sandwiches with steak + a coleslaw that also leaned heavily on the sauce. It really goes on everything, and if you like pickles or hot sauce show ‘em some love. It’s a fantastic product made by a fantastic company that isn’t destabilizing global politics, automating jobs, or undermining the social fabric of society… yet. Shlinkers can use the code SHLINK10 at checkout for 10% off your order!
Now…
TROPHY TIME
A story of perseverance: This week’s champion grew up in a barn, eating bugs to survive. They were told, “you’ll never rise from 3rd place.” They were told, “you can’t be a champion–you eat flies and live in filth.” They face heinous questions like “you shoot silk out of your butt, how can you thrive in middle management?” But, Office Spider proved the haters wrong and led all users in unique post reactions.
In 2nd place: Creamy Thick™ Pringle–is the throne for creamiest thought leader in contention? Let’s see if Creamy B. Gates has anything to say about that… 3rd place: Elizabeth Anne Holmes. Theranos was just the beginning. The live updates regarding her ongoing trial for her ALLEGED crimes were especially captivating.
other fun new movers ‘n shakers: Joe Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt is optimistic about finding a job via ShlinkedIn–anyone hiring? Unemployed Software Engineer really committed to the role by being unable to afford a headline. Takuan Sushi shares some compelling imagery. Lord Admiral Fusspants smells fear, has a funny name, and is friends with rocks.
ma-ma-ma-marketing!
This week’s networking goblin, in between crafting exquisite piano pieces and rambling about NFTs, shlinks like an MBA candidate possessed. Congrats, Technoliberace.
Next: grab an egg, crack it (on a flat surface to avoid bits of shell in the egg goo–this is a real tip btw), and cook it on our HOTTEST profile, Bain W. Kuang, a veritable ShlinkedIn titan and frequent trophy winner. bravo.
ShlinkNews: Literally The Only News Source in the World™
Why Americans who get sick deserve to lose all their money
Local man reported to secretly have the hots for Angela Merkel
Hwo tryhping qwseith yo ur elboipws hertlps produicxtiyvitry
Breakthrough research on 7-dimentional topology to allow better Gerrymandering
Should you be tipping your landlord?
How your brand can DOMINATE Hispanic Heritage Month
Poll finds most Americans will prefer to live in an autocracy as long as they received free shipping
Local man is the proud co-founder of a new baby boy
Report: Windows 11 to require users to drink Mountain Dew verification cans to open start menu as part of new Xbox integration
Many believe it's time to do away with lawmakers making stock trades, lawmakers disagree and vote no
Groundbreaking research falls through the cracks
40-something Shlinker tries to explain new ShlinkedIn craze to wife. Wife urges Shlinker to revisit gaming obsession instead
Microsoft monetizes Windows 11 with feature: "Watch this video ad to show the Start Menu"
KFC earns coveted 4 Bridgestone Star rating
How Scrumspringa transformed Amish Agility
Light, carefree summer drinking gives way to grim, determined winter drinking
Tim Cook says employees who leak memos do not belong at Apple, according to leaked memo
Are you inflicting enough psychological terror on your workers? Research suggests falling profits a result of employees enjoying family time
Breaking: Companies around the country confused why people want to be fairly paid for their work
Papa John's shares tumble over poor reception of new Pumpkin Spice Stuffed Crust pizza.
What's Coming to WeatherChannel+ in October 2021
Pfizer seeing profits rising rapidly, but they are used to seeing things like that.
Touched by an Angel: Landmark Workplace Harassment Case Won in Heaven
Musk renames child Alan In bid to save time filling in forms,"Just got so many validation errors, it wasn't worth the effort"
Treating workers with dignity and 5 other nasty habits of failed companies
Many believe it's time to do away with lawmakers making stock trades, lawmakers disagree and vote no
How to talk to your children about the Spider Wars
Disney praised for B-roll featuring two men holding hands, a stunning victory for the LGBT community in countries where the scene wasn't cut
LinkedIn to sue ShlinkedIn: Lawyers claim "It's unfair competition because they're better in every aspect" editor’s note: come at us. editor’s note 2: please don’t
Environmental Policy Gone Wrong: Scheme To Use Old Car Batteries To Build An Artificial Reef Has Massive Unintended Impact.
Big pharma in it for the profits, shocking study finds
love y’all. tell ur friends about us we want to be billionaires. oh and stop just posting Onion headlines in the headlines thats cheating.
best,
shlinkèdin